embarrassed.

sometimes i feel like i have nothing to blog about. yes, i do have my challenge- but sometimes i dont really feel like making a list at the moment. sometimes i feel like rambling on about nothing. but then again- thats not very fun for people to read post after post. but today im going to anyways.  anywho im putting my challenge on hold till tmrw. and i will do my best to cut back on the amount of run-on sentences. i do apologize. i just write how i speak, and no one proof reads or edits these posts- so i treat it like a journ. so really, im sorry if it is hard to read at times.

sometimes im embarrassed.

embarrassed of my fake baking obsession.

lets face it- i was orange. we know this. i know this very well.

embarrassed of my snooki poof.

it was large. it held secrets. it was ugly. we know this. i know this.

embarrassed of my abercrombie wardrobe.

its sad. when i got rid of everything- i legit had to buy an ENTIRE new wardrobe because nothing was left...

embarrassed of my white lip gloss obsesh.

did i dip my lips in powdered sugar? quite possibly.

embarrassed of the way i was not as friendly and outgoing as i should have been in high school.

i didnt reach out enough. i didnt let people get to know the real me. i was labeled, and i just let it happen.

but no matter how embarrassed i am of my horrid style, look and actions- i cant take them back. i cant undo my orange tan, or take off my ed hardy flip flops. i simply cant. 

i had an interesting month. well year, i guess. ive reconnected with a lot of old people from high school, or at least seen them. its hard not to remember them how they were during senior year right? its hard not to remember all the boys being ruthless and mean about my boyfriend and my "poofy" hair.  its hard not to remember that some girls made you cringe. or some were awkward. or that a certain someone spread a nasty rumor about you.  but how unfair is that of me to remember them as the person they were 3 or more years ago? because if i was looking from the outside in, i would be thinking- oh yeah thats lauren parker- she had an orange tan all year round, was a cheerleader so she must have obviously thought she was better than everyone else, and she had the same  friends , ahem clique, the entire time she was in high school. yeah- its true. i was tan, i did do cheer, and i had a close knit group of friends.  but if thats all that someone took from knowing me- than they dont know me at all. not in the slightest.  what they dont know if that i thought being tan would make me feel more secure.  that doing cheer would be a good way to focus my energy and time so that i wouldnt sit at home and feel bad about silly things- and because being part of something made me feel loved.  and that i truly did want to make more friends, i just didnt know how- the thought of it scared me.

so my friends, what im trying to say is.  im so glad we all grow up.  and i realize that all the people i thought i knew in high school- i didnt know a thing about them.  it was such an awkward time that im sure we wish we could take back half the things we said and did.  im sure we wish we could go back and make things right- be friends with more people, judge less, worry less about what we looked like. so yeah- im embarrassed of some of the stuff in the past.  but being embarrassed wont take me anywhere. i learned a valuable lesson however.  everyone deserves another chance.  the memories i have of people from high school are nothing but a small moment in time when people were figuring out who they were- i cant think of them in that light because im sure they have all changed. because i know i have. ive learned to love and to be friends to people who are nothing like me.  ive figured out who i am- and thats much different than the person i was.

give people another chance. because, like me, im sure you would like one too.